i heard those three little words last week that i never expected i'd hear. or at least not for a VERY long time. no, not "i love you." i'm pretty lucky in that i hear those all the time. and no, not "you're having a baby," because, well, yeah. that's just not happening again. been there, done that, got the t-shirt, and the son i love dearly.

no, i heard those OTHER three little words..."you have cancer."

and my world came to a shuddering, sudden halt.

i wouldn't say it felt like i was punched in the stomach. it more felt like i had unzipped my old skin and stepped out of it. i felt fuzzy around the edges, and new, like a freshly molted (molten?) butterfly whose wings weren't quite dry yet. i felt like i needed to be protected.

but i also felt betrayed. my body, which i depend on daily, which got me through babyhood, childhood, teenager-nes....which grew and nurtured my sweet son, betrayed me. why should i be surprised, though? heaven knows i betray it every day. turnabout's fair play, i guess.

i have papillary carcinoma, or thyroid cancer. i won't die from it. no chance of that. everyone tells me if you are going to get cancer, this is the one you want. 0% mortality rate, so i'll still get old and grey.

i was in shock the first day or two. just like, wow. really? me? for reals? no, i think you have the results confused with someone else, i've always been healthy.
i had to make an appointment with a surgeon. AT A CANCER CENTER. that was the hardest phone call i have ever had to make.

i suppose i almost expected it. lots of things were getting weird, doctors were being almost too careful with me, doing lots of explaining of things before anything was ever decided. i felt different. not sick, just different. tired, all the time. grumpy. sore throats off and on, never fully developing. raspy voice.

today, nearly a week later, i think i've accepted it, at least as much as i can. i practice saying it over and over in my head, "i have cancer. i have cancer. i have to have radiation. i have cancer," and still, everytime it's like a little jolt to my system, like a little electric shock that brings me back to harsh reality. i'm not hiding it from anyone (and if you find out by reading this, please forgive me for not telling you personally, it's hard, and you know i hate talking on the phone ).