So I've now been a cancer patient for a week and a half. Just when it seems like it's getting easier to realize and deal with, I'll read something, or hear something, and that little scab that was starting rips off and the wound is fresh again.
Today I was reading a story about a baby who was born with paralyzed vocal chords. Sad enough on it's own, but of course it started me on a personal pity party. Someone commented at the end of the article how they now have paralyzed vocal chords due to thyroid surgery. I felt like I'd been hit by a brick. Two different doctors are already worried about my vocal chords--my surgeon worries that they may already be permanently scarred (which is ok, really, I did always want a deep, raspy voice), and my pulmonologist thinks i have "vocal chord asthma," which I will be tested for in a few months. I don't need to read that kind of crap a week before my surgery. :(
My other issue this week is with fitting in. I don't feel like I fit in with "normal" people anymore. I HAVE CANCER. This sets me apart from healthy people way more than having glasses, or being smart, or being fat ever has. Everyone is nice to me, so it's not like people are being mean or ostracizing me. They aren't. It's just the way I feel. And it sucks.
On the other hand, I also don't feel like I fit in with cancer patients. I'm not sickly. I'm not wasting away, super skinny. (OK, OK, these are my own cancer patient stereotypes. But you get my point.) My cancer is fairly curable. I don't even have to have chemo.
What I am is tired. I could go to bed and sleep and sleep and sleep. Kyle thinks this is normal for me, "sick" or not. I think it's not. I think I'm WAY more tired now that I was almost even when I was pregnant. And that was a special kind of tired no one knows who hasn't been there.
I was reading on the thyroid cancer support website tonight. I think it was supposed to make me feel better, but mostly it scared me more. I better not die from this shit.
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((hug)) you won't die. You have a right to feel "different" and sleeping is a self-preservation mechanism that comes from a huge trauma. This is a huge trauma. Yes, you'll get over it and be fine, but don't feel like you have to be "ok" right now.
ReplyDeleteYou know, this can count as your NaNoWriMo, so if you register, write more and submit it; you can win!
ReplyDeleteIt's good too, a medium to express your inner emotions and where people get rich for good stuff.I.e. Google.
And you know what? I'm afraid to clip my nails in fear that they'll explode with pain. Did you hear I had a parniquia? eww. gross.
I love you Becki. You'll be alright, and back to normal. :)
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